and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
