I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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