ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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