And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
