So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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