the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
