I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
4 words: hood of his car
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
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