Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
