Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
