while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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