Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
