i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
