Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
