and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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