I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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