I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
