Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
