I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
