Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
