we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
