i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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