Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
