WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
