Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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