ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
