Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
