he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
