I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
