did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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