good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
