Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
now i know why i became what i already was.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
