All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
