sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
