I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
