my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
