Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
