she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
