Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
