I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
