I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
