Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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