First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
