When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
