the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
