she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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