Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
