This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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