he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
