I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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