She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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