too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The Olympian is in my bed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
