I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
