We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
