just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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